Cool Stuff. We’re Cool Too.

“Hmm, what’s this ad for? Jetpacks? Meh, you need a parachute. Wet swing-sets? Wait, what’s that cool kite? OMG! HOVERCRAFT MOTORCYCLE!!!”

So proceeds the imagined internal dialogue of the 18 – 34 yr. old male target of Honda’s latest bad ad.

“SWEET geodesic solar thingy windows in that industrial start-up loft space! I could start my business there – write Apps and make a million dollars – AND cardboard furniture! OMG! ROBOT BARISTAS!”

To their credit, there haven’t been any obvious references to sex.

“Whoah! Parachute-FREE jetpacks!, and hipster-friendly folding bikes. Wait, what’s this confusingly out-of-place jet? Hmm, nevermind – back to the good stuff – a skin diving airbag float! Baby won’t get the Bends! Hmm, whatsis? – a robo baby carriage? Babies? huh? Whew, that was close – a surfer – no! – a Surfboard Hydroplane! or Hydrofoil! Whichisit? Who cares, a virtual projected keyboard! Why doesn’t my iPhone 5 have that?!?”

The brain is now primed for the switch. So many cool and desirable things splashed quickly onto the screen, slowly peppered with – something.

“Wha? Hondas?”

Things Can Always Be Better

Softly, as the viewer’s brain has been reduced to a rudimentary amygdala mush by the onslaught of cool gadgets, there has been dialogue. Dialogue slowly describing what the advertiser considers the ideal state of mind of innovators. People who believe:

Things Can Always Be Better

Cue the Honda logos. Everywhere. The dialogue continues, “We like those people.”

“They think like us.”

“They think like us.” As in, “We’ve always been thinking that way, and others are just now getting on board.” Or, “We came up with the idea of continuous improvement, and anyone with the same idea is our bro, but ultimately emulating our lead.” Slick. How could anyone think what comes after such coolness is anything but awesome incarnate?

Quick, time to see the car. It doesn’t fly, or hover. But it does seem, briefly, to drive through that sweet start-up loft space.

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Too Sexy (Obese) for My Shirt

W. K. Kellogg, founder of the Kellogg Company, would be quite proud of the latest round of advertising for Pop Tarts. After all, he pioneered both nutrition labeling and inclusion of toys for kids in his packaging. Pop Tarts are a natural culmination of his work: food with less nutritional content than the packaging, marketed as toys!

The ad is amazingly straightforward and honest.

Colorless tubby blobs wander aimlessly through a monochrome world. Parents, these are your children. Yes, this ad is directed at you, because “I’m too Sexy” by Right Said Fred was released 21 years ago.

Boom! Bright colors and patterns! Bright things must be foods, so eat them! Woooo, look, when I eat all of those artificial colors, my pasty self turns colors too! Just like inside me really does! And I get a sugar buzz – naturally – ’cause there is at least 16 – 18 grams of sugar in these things. It’s listed on the label as High Fructose Corn Syrup, but I know it’s really just Corn Sugar.

“Pop Tarts. How good does your favorite flavor make you feel?” (Implication: pretty f’n great!)

“Introducing new wild fruit fusion.” (No actual wild fruit or fusion ingredients)

“Try on the latest must-have flavor.” (Prediction: obesity awaits)

“Pop Tarts. Joylicious.”

Pretty soon you’ll be too “sexy” for your shirt too. It will no longer fit.

Absolut Tron Dogs

Brrrp   Brrrp.       Brrrp   Brrrp.

Allo?

Laaahwrence! Dress for success mate, it’s an Absolut Grapefruit Techno Tron-dog race!

Killer!

Rally up those Clockwork blokes and the extras from Eyes Wide Shut – you know, the whole Kubrick lot of ’em.

Right on – ‘ou else?

Dunno – oh yeah – get Gaga ‘an her crew up ‘ere too. Make sure she wears that mirror ball bicycle helmet. We’re meeting at the salt flats. Everyone should find the least appropriate vehicle possible, pick a flag and fly it high!

Same spot as last time then?

Yeah.

You know that means-

I knows it too well, mate. Some ‘those Thunderdomers are bound to show. No worries – Wait, wait, wait! How’d I forget. We need those new odd ducks from Hunger Games – but NO TAYLOR SWIFT.

C’mon she’s not so ba…

Really Larry?

Sorry, you’re right.

‘Sides, I’ve got some thumpin’ Swedish House Mafia all lined up. And grapefruit. I’ve got to remember the grapefruit. Oh – tell everyone they best either wear a mask or continuously bite their bottom lips. It’s the salt flats, you know – safety first.

Safety first, right. See you there!

Truffula Tree Certified (and a note on standards)

I’ve been getting emails about this one, so it must be a doozy. Just watched it. Wow.

Truth be told, for an ad to make it onto my radar, I must either witness it myself while watching live TV (very infrequent occurrence) or catch wind of it from a friend. Occasionally, I’ll watch commercials interrupting a show I’ve got in the DVR queue, but not very often. I make a note of these, and attempt to locate them online. Unfortunately for the blog, many of the especially terrible ads I find are not uploaded to YouTube (or they’re uploaded as sloppily edited camera phone videos of a TV). If I can’t find the ad, there is little use sharing it here. However, if there is an ad you find to be wicked bad, feel free to send me a link. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

If you grew up or raised a child in the United States, you almost certainly became acquainted with the work of Dr. Seuss. There’s The Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, Yertle the Turtle, and, of course, The Lorax.

Published in 1971, The Lorax presented a fairly straightforward gloomy cautionary tale of the over-consumption of natural resources. The title character, claiming to “speak for the trees,” is an early-’70s environmentalist. That was 40 years ago, just before the oil embargo and long gas lines. Naturally, now that the Lorax is looking ahead to the end of his career, it’s time to bank some cash. Time to sell out.

How better to sell out than to start certifying things as Truffula Tree friendly? Or touting the environmental friendliness of an SUV. Maybe it’s time to make up some words too, and make them sound impressive and important without bothering to define them – Skyactiv – that sounds crunchy-friendly. Now, let’s tie all this in to a new movie to make sure lots of people get lots of money and none of it goes to any environmental causes. Sweet. Lorax retirement planning complete.

This ad is horrendous. It’s sure to alienate every. single. human. person. who would otherwise consider purchasing an “environmentally friendlier” SUV. Nary a soul will be soothed by Skyactiv technology with Truffula Tree Certification.

Imagine when the vehicle is 12 years old, sitting on a secondary market lot for $5999. Hopefully some used car salesperson in 2024 will have the good humor to mark “Lorax Approved” on the windshield. Maybe a child watching the movie today will by then be sufficiently jaded and invested in irony to make an offer. “One Truffula seed, not a penny more.”

Education Rejection

Mmmmmm. Corn Dogs.

Alas, not an ad for corn dogs.

Education Connection sells… something. It’s not clear. But they apparently will connect you to “the right” online college so that you can take classes “on your own time.” The imaginative lyrics, rhyming “bye” and “bye” at the end of the first two lines, really makes a statement about the quality of the education to which you’re going to soon be connected. Not a very good statement. The song is awful.

One wonders what demographic population would be attracted to the popular ’80s look of the singer and unpopular early ’90s sound of her song. From the video, it is safe to assume that those targeted include owners of comfortable metal-tube futons who alternate between ergonomic greek revival column standing desks and said futons when doing homework.

Oddly, our tour guide songstress seems change careers from corn dog hawker to website shill to professional singer during the ad. This is the logical path to fame for an American Idol contestant, but not really the normal (or abnormal, or even outlier) road to becoming a college student. It’s a shame, because she’s got some sweet herky-jerky dance moves that would really benefit her in class.

Do tell, what does Education Connection offer? “They matched me with the right college for me, for free!” (note: a little introspection and a web search will also work) But, now I’m forced to wonder (because you’ve just said you’ll do it for free) – does… getting matched up… with the right college for me… usually… cost money? If so, this Education Connection sounds like a value! Whoa! If I “log on” now, I’ll get a free “Success Kit” which is worth $100!!!

Yep, it’s worth $100 to the for-profit colleges and universities that will soon receive their own success kit: the names, addresses and emails of lots of people who have identified themselves as interested in taking online classes. Such a deal. Almost like they planned it that way. Good thing they don’t have a celebrity spokesperson; I might have not seen through their slick scheme.

Oh, wait.

Both ladies seem to think that “Logged On To Education Connection” means “Walked On To Education Connection.” Perhaps that’s why they are still seeking that elusive degree?

Drive-Thru Diet

Taco Bell has a long history of fairly fun, interesting ads. Some are funny, because they’ve engineered them to be funny.

Some are funny because, well, c’mon – Drive-Thru Diet?

Christine, imagined as a hipper counterpart to equally unimaginative fast food dieter Jared Fogle of Subway, somehow found a way to eat taco bell food and lose weight. What’s that, you say? Visit the informative Drive-Thru Diet website for more info! Sure Christine! How soon can I click?

Ah, the details. She lost half a pound per week for two years by eating only 1250 calories per day, down from her previous apparent gluttony of eating 1750 per day. But she didn’t have to give up that yummy fast food! What else Christine? What else?

I am totally on board now. I can make a FRESCOLUTION! That’s a Fres-Co-Lution, or FRe-SCol-Ution – no – FRESCO-lution. Maybe they’ll tell me how to pronounce it when they start sending me my “e-couragement” cards!

But I find my eyes wandering. What’s that up there beside the Drive-Thru Diet?

OK, I’m thinking outside the bun. What, pray tell, could FOURTHMEAL be? It’s right there beside the Diet, but eating a fourth meal doesn’t seem to be consistent with the idea of a diet. Let’s click on over.

Aha! FOURTHMEAL is the meal between dinner and breakfast. Surprisingly, no Drive-Thru Diet items are available at FOURTHMEAL. Because, of course, if you’re on the Drive-Thru Diet, you’ll have already consumed your daily ration of calories by the time you’re having SECONDMEAL.

The Drive-Thru Diet campaign could not be more cynical. Taco Bell food cannot reasonably be considered a part of any healthy eating plan. Sure, if you ingest two ounces of neon volcano nacho cheese daily, forsaking all other foods, you’ll soon lose weight. And friends. You’d need some severely delusional rationalization skills to believe you’re likely to lose weight while making a run (for you, fatty, that’s drive) to the border.

Taco Bell’s FOURTHMEAL campaign is, by contrast, the most sincere pitch they can muster. When you have no other options, because sane places are closed, here is something to eat. Oh, and you can also buy it for lunch and dinner, but we won’t pretend it’s healthy.

Honesty. How reFrescoing.

Brand Power

You’ve seen these ads.

You’ve wondered if they were Saturday Night Live sketches.

Nope. They’re for real.

But wait. There’s more.

This company has successfully convinced various manufacturers that their 1950s schtick will actually attract customers. But everything about these ads is bad. The awful supermarket set, the plastic Stepford wife spokesmodel and the small-market TV news graphics package combine to make for 30 miserable seconds of viewing.

But if you listen closely, you’ll hear what makes these ads transcend mere weak fluff. While informative “facts” are written across the screen, hear the attending video game machine gun typewriter sounds. This is an action-adventure movie trick usually used to provide small details of the setting of a scene. It’s most frequently employed when the director is too lazy to provide contextual details sufficient to inform the viewer of the setting. You’ve seen it – a computer-y sounding printout at the bottom of the screen: “08:00 GMT Scotland Yard” or “Moon Base Delta – 3 Days Before Impact.”

You’ve been trained to hear that noise and make sure you don’t miss what’s being written on the screen. So you perk up, and find out that Brand Power is dropping some of their sausage “Facts and Value” on you. What facts can be learned about sausage? Well, did we mention that Johnsonville Chicken Sausage (which one can rightly assume is made by Johnsonville Sausage Company) has 100% Johnsonville taste. Whoa. Profound. So glad I tuned in.

Fortunately, Brand Power has been lampooned properly all around the world. Here’s my favorite, from Australia.