The Cheerios Bee is back with a new look. He’s trying to get all the young hip-hop kids to choose Cheerios.
Upon reflection, it seems he’s trying to get that average white couple to ditch their milquetoast brunch and eat cereal instead.
Singing a cute, sanitized version of Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me” from 2000, the blinged-out bee encourages viewers to “take something tasty and healthy.” Apparently there is a “party going on in your cereal bowl, aaaalllzzz can have lower cholesterol.”
I’m going to interpret “aaalllzzz” to mean either, “y’allls” (which means seriously plural y’all), or “allz” (which means something like “all so” [you]). Either version leads naturally into “can have lower cholesterol,” so it’s hard to be sure. In any case, the reason for these health benefits “must be the honey.” Because that makes sense.
About as much sense as it makes to use a song and attendant cultural references from 2000 to market your product in 2014. How did that original song go anyway? (explicit)
Don’t worry, you need not read too far. Within the first few lines (thanks AZ Lyrics), you get:
If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
We three-wheelin in the fo’ with the gold D’s
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)
If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)
In the club on the late night, feelin right
Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice
Lookin for a little shorty hot and horny so that I can take home
(I can take home)
She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude
or 19 kinda snotty actin real rude
Boo, as long as you a thicky thicky thick girl you know that it’s on
(Know that it’s on)
I peep something comin towards me up the dance floor
Sexy and real slow (hey)
Sayin she was peepin and I dig the last video
So when Nelly, can we go; how could I tell her no?
Her measurements were 36-25-34
Yellin I like the way you brush your hair
And I like those stylish clothes you wear
I like the way the light hit the ice and glare
And I can see you moving way over there
It gets better, later. If by better you mean more misogynistic and riddled with sex. And N-words aplenty. All the kinds of things you want people to fondly remember when you try to sell a product today. One might similarly consider re-purposing Jimmy Buffett’s “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw” as “Why Don’t We Build Stuff With Screws” in a hardware commercial. Drinking, more drinking, sex. All the things you’d want people to remember when designing a new deck.
But wait, there’s more. It’s a complete series of commercials, all featuring slightly different lyrics. “So much crunch, can you handle this?”
And, of course, the remix.
The Bee does look a bit sheepish in a few sections. Maybe he hasn’t quite mastered the dance moves, or perhaps he’s is peering into the audience for his mother’s reassuring smile. You can hear his internal dialogue if you try. “There, was that good enough?” or “Did I do OK?” But really, he’s got to be thinking, “I really hope they don’t remember.”