What’s funny? Stalking.

Everybody loves a nice, lighthearted joke about stalking right?

All. Day. Long. Stalking jokes.

Yep, everybody is going to love our new stalker-themed Jeep ad.

BadTweets

Except, maybe, the 6.6 million people who are victims of stalking every year. So what if, you know, roughly a quarter of women experience stalking at some point in their lives. Those people might not be able to take a joke. Whatevs. So what if stalking is a crime in 50 states. It’s not like it’s always a felony. Can’t people take a joke?

See, when funny and cute girls are the stalkers, it’s super funny and cute. It’s comedy gold! So memorable; so much less edgy than those rape jokes we eventually decided not to use after that killjoy focus group. Plus, it’s only like 7% of men who’ve been stalked. Well, at least that’s how many wusses admit it. Women would never stalk other women, duh, so it’s not like this could upset anybody. Hell, most men would totally be excited if they had a stalker. Amirite?

Better idea: let’s put a stalker joke in a promoted tweet so it’s effectively stalking people too!

Genius!

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Is Mankind Terrence?

I’m a huge Terrence Malick fan. So, this ad feels very familiar. Tone, lighting, angles, rising music, disembodied possibly subconscious stilted yet poetic internal dialogue leaking out, etc., all are Malick-esque. One of Malick’s recent films was called, “To the Wonder,” which could easily have been (and maybe should have been) the title of this ad.

As a consequence, my experience of this ad is that it feels borrowed. Which might be perfect for AirBNB.

The pull to the great unknown bright light beyond the window isn’t merely impossible to resist, it’s also the aspiration. It’s growing up. It’s meeting the unknown with an outstretched hand of friendship. It’s empathy borne of direct experience. It’s the enormity of possibility we never fully grasp. It’s the richer life cultivated through better understanding others. It’s completely up to us to define.

These themes are lovely, and might work for AirBNB if they were permitted to emerge without the action-step suggestions in the dialogue (and tweets) that seem to be distracting to so many viewers. They’re limiting, and seem out of sync with the breadth of the visual possibilities. The turns of phrase meant to sound profound come across as gross underestimations of what it would take to make them truly meaningful.

“Go look through their windows, so you can understand their views.” Yuck. This doesn’t mean the panoramic vistas beyond the glass, it means the potentially different belief systems deeply held by those living on the inside. Those whose belongings you’re renting. And with whom you may never interact personally.

How will I find out if Man is Kind by slurping a latte while planted at someone else’s breakfast bar in Toronto? If I’m using the portion of AirBNB that’s all about sharing a room when the owner is also home, I could see it. But it’s a real stretch to connect, and if I’ve never heard of AirBNB, I’m not going to know anything more about it after this spot. More importantly, the people who share the ethos of the best possible take-away messaging of this ad are probably already AirBNB users. AirBNB needs retirees and Baby Boomers and non true-believer/ dreamer/ travelers to start using the service. And some AirBNB providers just want more bookings, not self-selected opt-ins for transformative cultural exchange. So they’re not optimally served by the ad.

Why is using AirBNB instead of a hotel or time-share or all-inclusive resort any more likely to fulfill the ad’s goal of discovering if Man is Kind? It might be faster to learn that “no” is the answer by observing the poverty surrounding the gates of a Dominican Republic destination resort. Some of that is up to me, and what I’m willing to see. No matter whose windows I’m looking through.

Hey, Must Bee The Misogyny!

The Cheerios Bee is back with a new look. He’s trying to get all the young hip-hop kids to choose Cheerios.

Upon reflection, it seems he’s trying to get that average white couple to ditch their milquetoast brunch and eat cereal instead.

Singing a cute, sanitized version of Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me” from 2000, the blinged-out bee encourages viewers to “take something tasty and healthy.” Apparently there is a “party going on in your cereal bowl, aaaalllzzz can have lower cholesterol.”

I’m going to interpret “aaalllzzz” to mean either, “y’allls” (which means seriously plural y’all), or “allz” (which means something like “all so” [you]). Either version leads naturally into “can have lower cholesterol,” so it’s hard to be sure. In any case, the reason for these health benefits “must be the honey.” Because that makes sense.

About as much sense as it makes to use a song and attendant cultural references from 2000 to market your product in 2014. How did that original song go anyway? (explicit)

Don’t worry, you need not read too far. Within the first few lines (thanks AZ Lyrics), you get:

If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
We three-wheelin in the fo’ with the gold D’s
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

In the club on the late night, feelin right
Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice
Lookin for a little shorty hot and horny so that I can take home
(I can take home)
She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude
or 19 kinda snotty actin real rude
Boo, as long as you a thicky thicky thick girl you know that it’s on
(Know that it’s on)
I peep something comin towards me up the dance floor
Sexy and real slow (hey)
Sayin she was peepin and I dig the last video
So when Nelly, can we go; how could I tell her no?
Her measurements were 36-25-34
Yellin I like the way you brush your hair
And I like those stylish clothes you wear
I like the way the light hit the ice and glare
And I can see you moving way over there

It gets better, later. If by better you mean more misogynistic and riddled with sex. And N-words aplenty. All the kinds of things you want people to fondly remember when you try to sell a product today. One might similarly consider re-purposing Jimmy Buffett’s “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw” as “Why Don’t We Build Stuff With Screws” in a hardware commercial. Drinking, more drinking, sex. All the things you’d want people to remember when designing a new deck.

But wait, there’s more. It’s a complete series of commercials, all featuring slightly different lyrics. “So much crunch, can you handle this?”

And…

And, of course, the remix.

The Bee does look a bit sheepish in a few sections. Maybe he hasn’t quite mastered the dance moves, or perhaps he’s is peering into the audience for his mother’s reassuring smile. You can hear his internal dialogue if you try. “There, was that good enough?” or “Did I do OK?” But really, he’s got to be thinking, “I really hope they don’t remember.”

(explicit)

 

Canada’s part of America, right?

Wal*Mart has a new campaign highlighting a new focus on a “pledge” to buy American products while “honoring” the (ostensibly) American workers who make them. Whatever “honoring” means, it must not include encouraging unionization. But hey, classic rock and some vaguely Monday Night Football-esque scenes of hardscrabble steel workers screams AMERICA!

The problem is this: the person and band screaming AMERICA! in the classic rock anthem “Working Man” selected for this “Made in the USA” jingole (that’s a jingoistic jingle) is Geddy Lee and Rush. Rush, the band from CANADA. See: Wikipedia even covers Canadian Bands.

But Canada is part of America, right?

#Never Forget

The anniversary of September 11, 2001 continues to seem like a golden opportunity to cash in on the raw emotions felt by many Americans. If you’re tone-deaf and completely idiotic.

This tweet went out on AT&T’s account this morning. Naturally, it’s subsequently been removed.

AT&T 9/11 Advertisement

Thanks to the Huffington Post for the screenshot

“Never Forget” requests the tweet.

I’m willing to bet someone forgets how bad an idea this is before 365 days have elapsed.

JCPenney in Dwell, Still Out of Touch

Ah, that wonderful time of the month when the crisp new Dwell magazine arrives. Dwell. Stuffed to the gills with decorative inspiration and certain to pump up the Craigslist search volume of all mid-century modern tables and historical hand-woven baskets profiled within, Dwell defines modern modern taste. Its motto: “At home in the modern world.”

Look: June 2013

DwellJune13

Snazzy, right?

Aren’t you now tempted to find a coffee table with inlaid tile? Isn’t it impossible to imagine why you haven’t previously thought of placing a few paving stones geometrically in the midst of your manicured sod to create a transitional inside-out eating space? Don’t you want a rug like that that really ties the room together? It’s not just you. And, it’s not just on the cover. Page after page of lush, modern wonderfulness ramps up the envy, sometimes alongside a recipe for ramps. Advertisements carefully blend in with the features, themselves often just as interesting.

Hive Modern, a place to find Herman Miller and Knoll, has a two-page spread. Bosch matches Hive’s spend, featuring stainless appliances for the dream kitchen you’re sure to be planning. Big Ass Fans manages only a single page to feature their aptly named products. But between the split Contents section, an 8 page, 2/3 scale booklet insert defies the numerous business reply subscription cards for your attention. Drop the magazine, and the booklet ensures it opens to just one place. Charles & Ray Eames? Lindal Cedar Homes?

JCPenney. Yes, a brand new JCPenney.

If you’re interested in business, you know that JCP hired former Target and Apple Store guru Ron Johnson with the hope that he’d overhaul the company and attract a new, younger customer base. They evidently neglected to insist that he not alienate the existing, older customer base in the process, a task he quickly mastered by eliminating things the existing, older customers loved about JCPenney’s: constant sales and newspaper-clipped coupons. Oh, he also forgot to get the existing, older employee base on board with the changes. Slight oversight. After 17 months on the job, and after starting several initiatives that had yet to come to fruition, JCP ruled the efforts a failure and dumped Johnson.

Back came the sales and coupons. But Johnson had already paid for some changes that had yet to be rolled out. A massive new effort featuring housewares and furniture is starting to appear in stores. Quality products and known designers have replaced the second-rate disposable kitchen supplies and crummy store brands. In some locations, these changes have involved expensive build-outs to draw the sought-after new, younger customers into the departments.

I’ve investigated one of these new JCP locations personally, and feel the selection and prices to be superior to Macy’s. I’d even consider them competitive with Generation X wonderland, Crate and Barrel. Sir Terence Conran has a line here, for crying out loud. This from a store that had previously occupied a similar brainspace to Sears before Sears added Land’s End. That would be the brainspace of “never, ever go here for any reason, not even to buy gifts.” The new section looks very good, and I’ll swing through if I need something.

But.

In my mall, JCP has three floors. I’ve still got to slog through the same old ’80s outgassing polyester smelly clothing section (and a smellier in-store Sephora) to get to the escalator to the current decade. Only the intrepid will do this, so it’s likely the Conran goodies will be on clearance before too long. I’ll probably get a coupon in the Sunday paper. Alas.

What, you might ask, does this have to do with the advertising of JCPenney?

Patience. You need context. Context makes things make sense. Context illuminates what otherwise might be kept forever in the dark. It is in the context of the great transition and subsequent pull back that JCP purchased what I can only assume is their first ever ad in Dwell. If they’ve previously advertised in Dwell, I’ve speedily flipped past it as though it was a Radio Shack (er, “The Shack”) ad.

But you can’t miss this:

JCPinDwell

Young, hip, multicultural professionals gather in a Dwell-worthy dwelling. Kids, heels, Converse All Stars and an Airedale make what could be austere, accessible. And only the new JCP logo all the way on the bottom right tells you what’s for sale.

That logo appears toward the bottom right edge of the 8 page booklet too, which opens to trumpet “…ALL THE BIG NAMES UNDER ONE ROOF.” Big names such as Dyson, KitchenAid, Cuisinart and Martha Stewart. I’m listening…

So, what’s wrong with this ad? Why is it wickedBADvertising in print?

The copy starts by addressing the audience: “DEAR AMERICA.” Good enough. We can infer that the America being targeted is roughly the rainbow coalition of upwardly-mobile breeding age Americans pictured above. “YOU WORK HARD.” Thank you for noticing, JCP. Gen. X was frequently derided as comprised of slackers in years past. We’re pleased you appreciate our work ethic.

“YOU DESERVE GREAT HOME BRANDS AT GREAT PRICES.” Yep, that’s just what I was thinking. Home Brands. I deserve them. They’d better be great. Really hits home. I totally conceive of my nesting as the acquisition of brands. OK, I don’t. I was just trying to be nice. Who, exactly, besides folks stuck in the marketing echo chamber at JCP, relates to the world in these terms? Brand loyalty is a real thing. But people shop for the brand to which they are loyal, not for the abstract concept of “great brands.” The word “BRAND” is for internal use by jargonauts, in the same way doctors might discuss amongst themselves a myocardial infarction rather than a heart attack. Unless it’s Russel Brand. The guy, not the clothing.

“YOU’RE INVITED TO THE WORLD’S BIGGEST HOUSEWARMING PARTY.” As depicted, I hope. The party does look decent. Although, at my parties the adults tend to congregate in the kitchen. “RIGHT HERE AT JCPENNEY.” So this cool party is the new JCPenney? I’m there! That works well enough. Plus, if you’re familiar with the TV spots, in which the blue JCP logo and the red outline box get wrapped around things JCP wants you to think of when you’re thinking about JCP, it ties in.

The real problem is in the picture.

No, there is no “Hitler Teapot.” Instead, there are extra African Americans. JCPenney wants us to think that they’ve got black friends, so at least a couple of them show up in the panoramic, ostensibly single picture of a party-in-progress, on both sides of the picture. Check ’em out. The lovely woman in the hounds-tooth dress appears both third from the left and fifth from the right. On the left, she’s talking to a bald guy in a lavender shirt. He’s second from the left. But on the other side of the party, he’s the eighth head from the right (including the shoulder-mounted child, who shares madras shorts, white-soled black shoes, pastel top and hands in the air with a possible but too blurry to tell non-white doppelganger running past the kitchen).

For a company with a questionable record (and a few EEOC settlements) on race relations, it’s a pretty pathetic oversight by EVERYONE involved. This is the re-launch of the JCP brand, in a very expensive booklet insert ad in an upscale design magazine. The ad makes a problem proposition relating to hard working people deserving “brands.” That message is paired with a photo shoot that requires some of the black people to do twice the work to deserve the same brands.

It’s obvious that racial makeup was important to the composition of the photo, although the host doesn’t seem to have invited any visitors of Asian or Hispanic heritage. Why, then, go through the trouble of doubling-in some extra African Americans? Unless, of course, it was a mistake. How many people signed off on this final copy? Sure makes that marketing budget seem well-spent, eh? Either way, it’s awful.

Wicked. Bad.

Stupor Bowl XLVII Champion: Goats

There is hope for the future, but the present is largely lost. Colin Kaepernick outplayed the Ravens, but early troubles and late no-calls (referees) and bad calls (coaches) doomed the 49ers hopes at a comeback victory. Much like aging fossil and erstwhile deer antler aficionado Ray Lewis, the tired baby boomers on Madison Avenue failed to deliver even one meaningful contribution to the biggest day in television advertising.

Budweiser earned some sniffles with the life cycle of a Clydesdale with separation anxiety. It’s nice that the horse bonded with the trainer, but the ad doesn’t speak very highly of the living conditions for Clyde as a member of the pulling team. Or for his safety in their care. Unless galloping freely down city streets is a good idea. I can’t be sure.

It’s an ad focused on a compelling story. But pair this story with the latest and greatest “upscale” Budweiser product, “Black Crown” (which follows “Platinum” and “Select” and on and on as inane attempts to take upscale a nasty beer), and A-B has seriously missed the mark on trying to get people to buy their products. Hint: start making regional craft beer. That’s what people drink. Stop trying to make yet another beer with “more taste” that perfectly multicultural rich people in immense houses will exclusively sip while being toasted by a man in an apron. What’s that? Those people don’t exist? Oh, right. No wonder A-B marketshare is tanking. Must be time to buy up some more competition.

The best ad of the evening was from Doritos. Naturally, it came from their crowd-sourced ideas campaign. No major agency = no terrible misogynistic ad campaigns. Audi’s attempt at youth empowerment yielded a sexual assault and a young driver speeding. Classy. (A huge fall from their tow truck driver “QUATTTTTRRROOOOOO!” goodness from last year.) GoDaddy aims for the bottom deliberately, so they don’t even merit a mention. Someday, the fact that women comprise more than half of the adult population will penetrate the brains of Madison Ave. Until then, expect the trash to continue.

So, on to the winner. A single white guy (I’d have used Bjorn Johnson) wanders aimlessly through a neighborhood only to come across a goat for sale. Disregarding the neck brace of the seated single white guy offering the goat for sale, our bearded hero (let’s call him, “Beardy”) sees nothing but good times ahead, and proceeds home with the goat (I’ve named the goat “Nacho”). What to feed the goat? Doritos! Convenient, because Beardy also loves Doritos. Not, it seems, as much as does Nacho, who loudly devours every chip in sight. The empty cupboard elicits a human shriek from Nacho (then another), which, along with Nacho’s understated neck-brace wearing prior owner, combine to deliver the spot to first place this year. Diversity disclaimer: only single white guys would consider a goat pet and a Doritos diet, so it’s OK for the only humans in the ad to be white men (sort-of men). How’d they make it? Here is how.